Vague Summaries & FanFiction Cliches
by jesicka309
Summary: Vague Summary.  Eyebrow Raise.  Mild Interest.  Spelling Mistake.  Flounce. A crackfic about Twilight fandom clichés.  Will my Mary-Sue be perfect, get Edward, and have fantastic sex? Of course!
1. Chapter 1

**Vague Summary. Eyebrow Raise. Mild Interest. Spelling Mistake. Flounce.**

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This is a story for xrxdanixrx, tkegl (who giggled), karry4harry, and all the lovely ladies of the 'erks' board on Twilighted. You know who you are ;)

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A/N: K, guys so dis is mah unbeta'd authors note. Coz I can't write good wivout my beta. Thx babe!

Just letting u all noe that this story WILL have a HEA – ya know, a happily ever after. Sorry if dat spoiled it!

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Jessica is sitting at her computer, eagerly scrolling through the fanfiction recent update list. She hopes for a good story, and looks desperately for a summary that piques her interest. Jessica knows that her search is most likely in vain, because most readers know that it's rare to find anything worth reading there, but she plows on, unable to admit that her search is anything but fruitless.

Jessica is a self-insert, and a really obvious one at that. Her hair is beautiful, long and brown, and her eyes are deep, chocolate orbs. Her beauty has been known to make grown men weep, though if you asked her, she would deny it, because she is also very modest. Even rarer for a self-insert, Jessica is extremely smart, and doesn't struggle with schoolwork at all. She has plenty of friends, and all the guys at school totes want her (Unnecessary A/N: OMG I know, right?). She is a Mary-Sue of the best quality, and the author has even bestowed her own name upon our protagonist, just to underline how many of these great qualities she herself possesses.

UNINTENTIONAL TENSE CHANGE.

Jessica knew that the best way to find a quality fiction was to get recommendations from other readers, but today, Jessica was feeling a little on the wild side. This was probably because another one of her virtues was that she could maintain the perfect balance between spontaneity and recklessness. She couldn't wait to meet Edward, because let's face it, such an obvious self-insert would most definitely meet Edward and fall in love. Bella wouldn't be an issue, because she's mysteriously not in this story, with no explanation. In fact, Jessica somehow possessed many of Bella's most distinguishable qualities, purely to confuse the reader more than they were already.

Jessica craved the characters she knew and loved so well; Carlile, Esme, Rosalie, Emmet, and Jassper. Jessica could just imagine doing stereotypical things with them; getting picked on by Emmet, Carlile fixing up her injuries (poor girl, her only flaw is clumsiness!), and listening to Jassper talk about the Civil War. She knew that Alice would be her best friend, and take her shopping (U/A/N: How lucky! Eek!), but Jessica would moan and complain the whole way, because she didn't believe that she deserved it. Even hanging out with Rosalie (who would be a total bitch) was exciting.

She sighed, and ran her hand through her perfectly curled hair. Her search was so fruitless today! The author knew that she had to take drastic action, as her plotline was dwindling, and she needed to create some unnecessary drama to drag out the storyline.

Jessica began feeling sleepy, and drifted off into an eerily prophetic dream…

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Edward put his hands on her waste, and murmured with his velvet voice into her ear, "I will always love you, love, and I'm only doing this because you asked me…love." Just the sound of his voice was enough to make Jessica wet her panties, like a gush form a tap. She ran to change them quickly, before dashing back to her beloved.

She spent a moment trying to work out whether the dream was AU, or AU Human, before realizing she didn't know where she was.

"Where are we?" Jessica asked.

Edward smiled, crookedly. "We are in your exotic home in India, my Bella...er…Jessica."

Jessica frowned, creating a tiny crease between her eyes. "But it's snowing Edward!"

Edward sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "The author didn't research this part of the story properly."

"Oh." Jessica replied. The author finally decided that it's an AU Human story, and that it needs some smut to get more reviews. Some unrequited love wouldn't hurt too, and suddenly, human Edward had loved Jessica since they were newborn babies. The thought of their life-long love was enough to make Jessica wet her panties with desire again, and she ran to change them, before coming back.

They kissed with passion, and Jessica felt like she was connecting with Edward's soul (U/A/N: Awww, I know, right?).

Edward unbuttoned her blouse, demonstrating what a perfect gentleman he was. Poor Jessica wished that he would be more passionate; it was a human story after all. As if Edward could read her mind, he ripped off her clothes, and gazed upon the beauty that was her body. Such perfect breasts! What creamy skin! Oh, and her perfectly waxed pussy, calling to him, like a moth to a flame! Edward had to have her, regardless of their lack of chemistry.

Jessica became impatient (but with grace, of course), and ripped off Edward's clothes. Before Jessica could bask in the gloriousness that was his body, her eyes were drawn to his appendage.

"Edward!" she gasped, covering her mouth. "It's huge!" Jessica stared at what could only be described as a monster cock. It was colossal, and yet beautiful at the same time. Jessica gaped at it, trying to imagine how it would fit inside her tiny virginal pussy.

"I'm going to fuck you unconscious, baby," Edward grunted, grabbing Jessica and preparing to thrust. Jessica momentarily wondered why Edward's demeanour had changed so suddenly, before realizing that every good story needed a Doucheward.

Edward thrust his monster cock inside her. "Ooh, baby, you're so tight."

Jessica felt somehow flattered that her pussy hugged Edward's cock so perfectly, like they were made for each other.

Edward began to thrust, harder and harder. "Come for me, baby."

And she did, on command. It was pure bliss, like Heaven and Earth came together in perfect unison. She shuddered and convulsed, and gripped his tousled bronze hair. In fact, Jessica could hear angels singing, and was surprised that sex was so wonderful the first time. Edward brought Jessica to orgasm, again, and again, and again. He then poured his love juice into her, groaning in ecstasy.

They then proceeded to have sex multiple times over the course of six hours, disregarding the fact that Jessica was a virginal flower, because Edward was just such a stud in the sack. (U/A/N: LOL!1!) She slurped his monster cock down her throat, swallowing his cum with glee, and Edward snacked on her perfect pussy, disregarding the fact that they had been bonking for hours straight. The author's lemon became sloppy and clichéd, but who cared? It was still getting reviews!

Over the next few days, Jessica began having morning sickness, and other pregnancy related things that were poorly researched, and poorly foreshadowed.

A couple of weeks later, the author had a revelation that she needed another plot device to create drama. Jessica suddenly became pregnant from that first sexual encounter. Instead of telling Edward straight away, thus giving him a chance to actually resolve the issue, Jessica decided to run away. Edward, being the gentleman he was, chased after her, ringing fourteen different relatives, buying her three cars, and jumping up and down on the spot in an effort to get her back.

After finally getting into contact with Jessica through Alice (the obvious place to start, of course), Edward had trouble dealing with Jessica's news.

"Edward," Jessica tearfully cried, "I'm pregnant!"

Edward glared at her, trying to lie about his true feelings for her. "I can't fight my true nature. I don't want you." Then he left Jessica alone in the woods.

Suddenly, the dream was purely AU, and Jessica knew what she had to do to save her unborn (yet hybrid) child. She had to go to the Volturi…

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Jessica sat up from her desk, and shuttered. Thank God it was all a dream, even if it borders on prophetic. If she had slept any longer, no doubt there would have been interference from that STUPID, SLUTTY WHORE Tanya, or that WIFE BEATING, CHILD MOLESTING, RAPIST & CRIMINAL Jacob. Jessica had always hated those characters in the original series by Stephanie Myer, and both her and the author (who were sort of the same person) had no problem with bashing them in fan fiction. Bella x Jacob pairings were enough to make Jessica loose her mind.

The author became sick of the story, and instead of following the plot to its completion, she decided to cut it off at the knees. She knew that her protagonist, the self-insert/Mary-Sue Jessica was bordering on being, well, just the author, and everybody hated Real Person Fiction. If the author had the inclination, she probably could have written some fluff to pad out the rest of the story, from multiple POVs, filled with weddings and birthdays and romantic dates, but today, the author decided to try the opposite end of the 'story length' spectrum.

Jessica opened up "Recently Added" stories again on , and clicked to page 16, where she found a promising, yet vague summary.

"Devastation. Anger. Hope. Can Bella and Edward's relationship survive?"

Intrigued, Jessica clicked, hoping for a more detailed summary upon loading. Alas, no such luck. It was a song fiction, with a link to the video clip, and lyrics dispersed throughout the page. This wouldn't normally be a problem, but the song was obscure, and Jessica had no idea of what tone the story was trying to convey. She persevered.

But finally the last straw; the story Jessica was reading used 'accept' instead of 'except'. It was too much. Such poor grammar! Such poor spelling! She had to flounce.

This was not enough though. Jessica had to go back and leave an anonymous review, flaming them and telling them just exactly how bad their story was.

This was still not enough; the author of this particular story had promised a happy ending, and a happy ending the readers shall receive.

Jessica hopped onto the Twilighted forum, and opened up the "What erks you in fandom?" thread. Jessica spewed forth a post full of vitrol and hate, yet carefully veiled it to hide the specifics of the story that injured her so. Others on the forum agreed, and Jessica felt validated by their acceptance. All was well in fandom.

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A/N. OMG! Wat did u think guys? Read and Review! Im only gonna update if I get 250 reviews, BUT NO FLAMES. Only luv

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My real AN - I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it...let me know your favourite cliche, or if there's anything you think I missed. I tried to get them all! Jess xo


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 – "Spank Me, Edward, You're Hot"

A/N: Thank u every1 for your f***ing awesome reviews. I'm glad you loved my story so much. Hugz and kisses! Mwah.

Coz of the sukses of my first chapter, Im pretty much a BNA now. That's big name author, in case you didn't know. So I don't take crap from anybody. And I expect you all to like my story, and flame anyone who dares to say they don't like this fic. I don't care if it's justified! I'm a freaking BNA!

Props go to xrxdanixrx and tkegl, who will kick your ass if you don't like this fic. They are pretty much my fangirls now (coz I'm BNA remember?), and now that youre reading, I expect u to be my fangirl too. Squeeing in reviews is encouraged. Sorry, I meant mandatory. And don't you dare ask questions or pick holes in my plot – I'm a BNA! Don't disturb me with rubbish like that; I'm always right, and my fangirls will CRUSH you.

Sorry it took me so long to update. My brother in law got a new dog, so I've been playing with that, and I finished my degree and I gota job and a haircut and I'm just so super busy coz I'm awesome. Sorry I have such a great life.

There is some dirty stuff in here. So if you are not okay with BDSM, D/S relationships, abuse, whipping, anal, or anything that is outside of your standard missionary sex, don't read this fic. You will be offended. Not my fault if you continue reading.

Lyrics in this are from "Candy Shop" by Fifty Cent. I think it suits the mood well.

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Intriguing yet useless Prologue:

_Yeah..._

_Uh huh_

_So seductive_

The wind rushed through her hair, wiping it around her face. Dark clouds threatened to rain at any moment, the dark sky rumbling in the distance.

She knew she had to act, she couldn't wait any longer.

She stepped through the door into the rain…

Chapter 2

_I'll take you to the candy shop_

_I'll let you lick the lollipop_

_Go 'head girl, don't you stop_

_Keep going 'til you hit the spot (woah)_

Jessica sat at her computer, languidly stroking her long, brown hair. Her eyes were fixated on the screen, and her hand slowly scrolled the mouse. Jessica was once again fic diving, but this time it was on Twilighted. She was choosing random stories based on their banners; the prettier, the better.

Jessica was a beautiful, vivacious nineteen-year-old, the perfect age for finding romance. She was thin, but not athletic. Real heroines are never athletic – they are always the epitome of feminine. Feminine Jessica was. She had ample bosom, displayed modestly yet sexily. Her chocolate brown eyes and softly waved hair made Jessica look like sex on two legs. She was just waiting for that perfect man **cough** Edward **cough** to come along and sweep her off her feet. (U/A/N: Awwwww how sweet!1!)

Jessica was also a self-insert. The author of this story very creatively gave the protagonist her own name, bestowing upon her all the qualities that the author herself possesses. Jessica was extremely smart (she aced all her tests, ya hear?), and she was the apple of her parent's eye. Boys fell over themselves to be with Jessica, but she was holding out for 'the one'. Who was Edward, BTW.

She really wished she was 1 of the Cullens; she just knew that she would fit in so well. Jessica found herself daydreaming…

_I'll take you to the candy shop_

_Boy one taste of what I got_

_I'll have you spending all you got_

_Keep going 'til you hit the spot (woah)_

"Come on, Jessica! We need to go to the next store!"

Alice was dragging Jessica along through the throngs of shoppers in the mall.

"But, Alice, I hate shopping! How are the readers supposed to know I'm worthy of love if I don't hate shopping? I need to prove that I'm not impressed by material wealth!"

"Nonsense, Jessica. Everyone _needs_ to go shopping. It is a necessity. It's the only thing I care about!"

This was true. The only characteristic that Alice was ever blessed with was a passion for shopping. If Alice were to be given a career, it would be as a fashion designer or personal shopper. Anything outside of that square was deemed 'unbelievable' and was immediately unreadable. Fortunately for the author, the story was AU, so Alice didn't need to have a job. She was a vampire, but a good one, don't worry. A vegetarian vampire, coz nobody likes vampires who drink blood. They are too damn dangerous. Vegetarian vampires are sexy, now that Stefenie Mayers wrote about them.

Alice squealed and stopped at a super expensive lingerie store. "OMG Jessica, we have to go in there!"

Jessica frowned, forming a crease between her eyes. "But I have no money. I'm a super poor beggar in comparison to you!"

Alice grinned. "No problem! I have LOADS of money. My shout forever!"

Jessica rolled her eyes, and gave in. "Sure, Alice."

Clapping her hands gleefully, Alice jumped up and down. "SQUEEEE! This is going to be the best day everrrr. BFFs! lol"

Jessica sighed, and followed Alice into the store. "Damn little pixie," she muttered under her breath, knowing that Alice could hear her with her super vampire senses. Alice said nothing though as she pranced around the shop, gathering different pieces of expensive underwear.

"Alice, how do you know my size?"

"I went through your underwear drawer, and examined each piece. I've also been staring at your beautiful bosom, and my vampire senses can guess what size you are. Plus I'm psychic."

The author momentarily considered taking the story in a femslash direction (it would pull in a load of reviews) but decided to stick to the straight and narrow.

"Oh, ok." Jessica was satisfied with this response. She had no problem with Alice's snooping and interference; if anything it was flattering. Jessica didn't think she was deserving of the attention, being as modest as she was, but the idea of having a best friend that was as obsessed as Alice was appealing.

Alice pushed Bel-, sorry Jessica, into the changeroom. "Put it on. Now."

Jessica followed instruction, grumbling under her breath.

She begrudgingly pulled her clothes off, lamenting at her body in the mirror. How would she ever find a boyfriend the way she looked? She was ugly and awful, her full bosom and thin legs unappealing. Even her round ass was all wrong – who would want a girl like her? She was disgusting, hideous, and never expected any men to love a troll like herself.

Jessica looked up to see Alice peering over the top of the door.

"Hurry up! We have to meet the others in twenty minutes!"

Unperturbed by this behaviour, Jessica was more intrigued by her words. "Who are we meeting, Alice?"

"My family, of course! You will love my brother, you two are perfect for each other."

Jessica rolled her eyes. "Alice, I will never find a boyfriend. I am too clumsy and ugly."

Alice jumped down from the door, and Jessica pulled her clothes back on. She exited the changeroom, holding a bundle of underwear.

"I don't want any. I can't pay you back."

Alice did a little dance on the spot and span around. "We'll take them all!"

"Are you kidding me, Alice? Was that fairy dust?"

Alice quickly put away her pouch of dust. "No, no, Jessica. Come on, we have to meet Edward!"

Jessica allowed Alice to drag her through the whole mall to the food court.

_You can have it your way, how do you want it_

_You gon' back that thing up or should i push up on it_

_Temperature rising, okay lets go to the next level_

_Dance floor jam packed, hot as a teakettle_

The author began to worry that the story was becoming unnecessarily fluffy, but disregarded the warning signs of lack of plot and the fact that the scene was set in a mall. The story continued.

As they approached, Jessica could see a whole table piled up high with various plates and bags of food. Beyond that, she could see three unearthly beautiful vampires.

"Jessica, I would like you to meet Jasper. He's my soulmate." The two shared an intimate and slurpy kiss.

Jasper was tall, blond, and dressed like a cowboy (of course, he's Southern!).

He swept his hat off to Jessica. "Good mornin', lil' lady. Lots of shopping, darlin'?"

Jessica giggled, and the author briefly wondered about the reception her readers would give her if she was to suddenly switch the story to a B/J pairing. It did seem to be popular these days…being unsure, the author decided to add some more flirting between the two, just to confuse the reader. It's a called a surprise, idiots!

Jasper wrapped an arm around Jessica's waist, while Alice clasped her hand firmly. They turned towards the table simultaneously.

"This is Emmet and Rosealie."

A pale, naked couple were copulating on the floor, grunting and writhing. Jessica clapped her hands with glee; she had heard so much about the two of them!

Rosealie momentarily paused and looked up. "I already hate you, bitch, for breaking up my family and throwing away your humanity."

Emmet guffawed, "Aw, baby, don't be so harsh. Didya have to stop? Let's keep doing it!"

They resumed their vigorous lovemaking on the food court floor.

Jessica and Alice sat down at the table. "Is all this food for me?"

Alice's nose wrinkled. "Yes, of course! You need to eat, we don't want you to die!"

Jessica let her eyes roam across the various choices of nourishment; it was too much! How dare they spend any amount of money on her! All that food would go to waste!

_I'__ll break it down for you now, baby it's simple_

_If you be a nympho, I'll be a nympho_

_In the hotel or in the back of the rental_

_On the beach or in the park, it's whatever you into_

Suddenly, Jessica felt a chill, like someone had dropped a bucket of ice water down her neck. She turned to see a gorgeous, spunky, sexy man with tousled bronze hair and blazing golden orb like eyes staring at her.

Sparks literally flew through the air, confetti canons exploded showering them in colour, and angels were singing. It was love at first site.

Edward smirked lopsidedly, sorry, crookedly. "Hello," his velvet voice murmured.

EPOV

I knew then in that instant that she was the one. I had to disregard my bloodlust for her, she was worth too much to sacrifice…

APOV

I can't wait to plan Jessica and Edward's wedding! Squee! It's going to be so great! Wow, Jessica looks great in that top…

JPOV

Wow, Jessica looks great in that top…

RPOV

I can't believe Edward is going to fall in love with that bitch and destroy our family… oooh babby that's the spot, harder…

EMPOV

Shit, I'm going to go, Rosie is gonna kill me…

JACOBPOV

This is going to violate the treaty. I need to tell Sam, he can't change Jessica! I love her!

JESSICAPOV

Where the hell did the werewolf come from?

TANYAPOV

I'm so in love with Edward, I need to distract him from Jessica…

JESSICAPOV

Wait what?

WEIRD THIRD PERSON CHANGE

Jessica tried to stand up out of her chair, but tripped. She could feel herself falling, but Edward caught her!

Alice squealed. "I'll start planning the wedding!" But Jessica and Edward didn't care. They were in love. Nothing could tear them apart…

_Got the magic stick, I'm the love doctor_

_Have your friends teasing you 'bout how sprung I gotcha_

_Wanna show me how you work it baby, no problem_

_Get on top then get to bouncing round like a low rider_

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Jessica shook her head. Ridiculous. If she were to write a fic like that, no one would read it. It went on for far too long, and it was entirely too fluffy. It definitely jumped the shark much too early. No, she would have to throw in lots of lemons and slash and femslash to even get a single review.

She continued her scrolling down the page, and saw a banner that made her quiver. She felt a tightening in her loins, and she knew right then that she had to write her own story.

_I'm a seasons vet when it come to this shit_

_After you work up a sweat you can play with the stick_

_I'm trying to explain baby the best way I can_

_I melt in your mouth girl, not in your hands (ha ha)_

The banner was dark, and it had just the hint of a breast and a buttock. There was a whip, and a chain, and the words emblazoned in red "My Master Cullen". The words made her shiver. She had to have her own dominant Edward. BDSM was so popular in the fandom, and Jessica knew that she would quite easily have many reviewers if she wrote such a fic. She wouldn't even have to go to the bothersome trouble of having a beta, because once you get into the world of doms and subs, or even lemons, no one cares about stupid spelling mistakes. Jessica felt quite sleepy again, and lay her head on the desk, her pretty little head filled with visions of Edward and leather…

_Give it to me baby, nice and slow_

_Climb on top, ride like you in the rodeo_

"Jessica, do you know why you're here?"

Jessica was sitting on a couch, in an ornately furnished apartment. Directly in front of her sat Edward Cullen, twenty-one-year-old CEO of Generic Multinational Company. He was dressed in a designer suit (POLYVORES?), his shirt crisp and white. In direct contrast to his suit, his bronze hair was tousled, and Jessica longed to run her hands through it. His emerald green eyes pierced into her face.

She gulped. "Yes, sir."

Edward smiled, crookedly. "You understand that this arrangement is only on a temporary basis, and that if I am not… satisfied… we will have to terminate the contract?"

Jessica nodded. She knew what she was getting into. After almost THREE YEARS of terrible sex with Jacob/James/Mike (interchange as you will) Jessica knew that Edward was the man she wanted. So what if he was into BDSM? Jessica knew she could change him. He would fall in love with Jessica, and Edward would see that he no longer needed to whip, beat or torture women for pleasure. He would settle down, and live a long life of mostly vanilla sex, with Jessica. But first, she had to get close to him, and she would do _anything_ for that.

_You ain't never heard a sound like this before_

_Cause I ain't never put it down like this before_

_Soon as I come through the door she get to pulling on my zipper_

_It's like it's a race who can get undressed quicker_

Edward ran a hand through his wild hair, before gesturing towards the table.

"I thought we would begin slowly, seeing as you've never participated in anything like this before."

Jessica examined the objects on the table with interest. A large glass of water stood next to a platter of vegetables; carrots and celery, some neatly chopped up into sticks, some left as long stalks. In the middle of the platter was a small dish of peanut butter. A large tub of Vaseline dominated the table, and next to that was an assortment of handcuffs, blindfolds, and whips. Jessica shuttered with anticipation. This was going to be HOT.

Edward smirked. "Do you like what you see, Jessica? You have no idea what you are in for. I treat my subs like dirt. They are the scum between my toes. I will ravage your body, and take you to the greatest heights of pleasure….but it will also hurt. A lot. You may have some bruising, scars, broken bones, but it will be worth it. I enjoy your pain."

Jessica smiled shyly. This was the Edward that she was in love with. She could already tell it was love. His harsh words encouraged her, and she wet her panties with desire.

_Isn't it ironic how erotic it is to watch em in thongs_

_Had me thinking 'bout that ass after I'm gone_

_I touch the right spot at the right time_

_Lights on or lights off, she like it from behind_

Jessica reached out to try to touch him, but Edward recoiled.

"How dare you touch me, scum. I am your Master! I cannot be touched, kissed, licked or even fondled. Do not look me in the eye. Do not speak. Get naked, wench."

She promptly stripped off her clothes, and waited in the traditional kneeling position that most writers use in fan fiction. Need the author describe it?

Jessica wondered why Edward was so aggressive. Though he was incredibly hot, and all Jessica wanted was for him to spank her, he did seem a tad harsher than she had imagined. Where was the usual Edward charisma? Why was he so cruel? It was as though he had some deep-rooted psychological problem from his childhood that had made him this way. Jessica knew immediately that she had to save him.

As though Edward could read her mind, he answered her unspoken question, "The reason for my demeanour is simple. My mother died in a tragic car accident fifteen years ago. I was taken to a brothel and systematically raped and tortured until Dr. Cullen and his wife stepped in and adopted me. Then they died, and so since then the only way I can get my rocks off is by beating the crap out of young women."

Jessica smiled to herself. She knew that every Domward had a dead mother in their lives; it was almost the standard back story.

Her smile was interrupted by a slap to the face. It stung, and brought tears to her eyes.

Edward's voice rang out. "You do not smile! How dare you! Is this life not for you? Not everyone is satisfied with vanilla."

Jessica dropped her head. She still wanted him, because he was so dreamy. She would do anything to be with him.

She could sense Edward pacing behind her head. "You deserve to be punished, Jessica. Which of my tools of pain will you choose?"

Jessica speculatively eyed the assorted items scattered across the table. Her eyes were continually drawn back to the stalk of celery – visions of Edward spanking her firm ass with the celery assaulted her mind. She knew what her choice must be.

"Master, I choose this one." Jessica pointed to the celery.

"Excellent choice." Edward walked around to the table, and picked up the stalk, and a blindfold. He pointed to a bare, metal bench that Jessica had not noticed before. Jessica awkwardly got up, not feeling like a sex goddess but totally looking like one. She sauntered over to the bench.

"Lie down, Jessica."

The use of her full name made her shiver. She did as was instructed, and lay on her back. Suddenly, her eyes were covered by a blindfold. Jessica whimpered. How was she to glory in the presence of such a beautiful man if she could not see?

A sharp sting to her naked breast made her cry out.

"Silence!" Edward thundered in his velvet voice. He restrained Jessica's hands and feet.

_So seductive, you should see the way she wind_

_Her hips in slow-mo on the floor when we grind_

"You are about to be punished for your disobedience earlier. You chose the celery, and I look forward giving you pleasure and pain with it. But, first, I must prepare you."

Edward picked up the tub of Vaseline, or lube, as the inside professionals call it. Jessica could hear the lid unscrewing, and shivered. He was going to fuck her with the celery stalk, she just knew it! It was even better than spanking! Jessica loved her new D/S relationship with the hottest guy evah!

Jessica felt a wetness on her lips, as Edward rubbed the lube all over her mouth. Jessica knew she was wrong; he was going to fuck her mouth, and the celery was just a trick.

"Open wide, Jessica." She opened her mouth, and Edward rubbed all along the inside of her mouth, preparing her thoroughly. You would think it would be disgusting, but it was utterly erotic. Only because it was Edward though. Edward could make anything sexy.

Edward groaned. "Seeing you ready and prepared to take it in, it makes me so hard, Jessica. Open your lips, and accept what I give you."

Jessica parted her lips in what she hoped was a sexy pout. Something hard and firm pressed against her lips, and she opened her mouth wider.

Jessica coughed. "Yuck! Are you feeding me the celery?"

Edward laughed. "Of course! You do not like eating celery, and so, as your punishment, you are eating celery! Open wide!"

A fistful of celery was shoved into her mouth, and she choked.

Edward chuckled manically. "Eat! Eat! Eat, my little whore! If you don't eat celery, you won't get any milk! Mwahahahaha!"

Jessica knew that Edward was sadistic. This wasn't how BDSM was written in fan fiction, and she should probably get away from him the first chance she got. But it was Edward… he was just so damn dreamy, and she knew she could change him.

Jessica swallowed the celery, pretending it tasted like skittle juice semen. Would Edward love her now?

A tear escaped her eye, and Jessica felt Edward brush it away.

"You don't like it? BDSM isn't all whips and chains, Jessica. You have been misled. The BDSM you are familiar with is tame. Only the most experienced of Doms dabble with celery."

Jessica sniffed. Edward was worth this.

Edward cocked his head. "Maybe the peanut butter would make this more enjoyable."

He moved away, and Jessica moaned. All she wanted was Edward in her hot, aching core. All this abuse was making her incredibly horny.

"I don't think I can hurt you anymore, Jessica. I can't bear to mark your perfect body."

Jessica frowned. What a contradiction! Didn't Edward know that all she wanted was mild spanking and light bondage? She didn't need to be abused, Edward could love her with vanilla sex for the rest of her life!

She heard the door slam, and Jessica struggled in her bonds. He had left her there, all alone…

_As Long as she ain't stopping, homie I ain't stopping_

_Dripping wet with sweat man its on and popping_

_All my champagne campaign, bottle after bottle its on_

_And we gon' sip 'til every bubble in every bottle is gone_

_

* * *

_

Sorry to leave you all on a cliff hanger, but I've had to pull the story. You see, I'm gonna get published! W00t! So keep an eye out, because in no time at all you will be able to buy an edited version of this story, with different character names, online! That's right, you can download it!

So yeah, getting published. No more story. Don't PM me or harass me or anything. I'm too busy writing real friggin fiction (reworked fan fiction, sorry).

BTW, in case you were wondering, I totally researched everything. People in BDSM actually use celery. I would never write an unresearched BDSM fic, don't be absurd!

Coz I've pulled the rest of my fic, here's hoping I get featured on Twankhard. You never know ;)

Thanks for reading, soz about the cliff hanger, buy my book when it's published, and maybe you'll get an outtake. But only if I sell 1000 eBooks, and get 10,000 reviews.

Ta, ta, chickaloos!


	3. Chapter 3

Hey chickie babies! I'm back!

Yes, I noe last chapter I sed I was pulling dis fic 2 b published, but I decided I culdn't do that to all my loyal fans!1! I luv you guys, and I feel like I'm obliged to finished what I started. So, under no circumstances will I b pulling this fic. I'm reely disappointed by othr authors who hve pulled their fics recently, and I fell like its just morally wrong.

2ndly, I'd like to thank some people. 1stly, xrxdanixrx. She inspried this hole story, and has kindlee been prereading and makin notes before I post. I must say tho, last chp a few ppl commented that there were spelling errers, so this is rly her last chance to clean up mah work, or I'll find another fangirl to do it.

I'd also lyk to tahnk Tkegl, for making me an awesome banner and twitter avi. They look rly kewl, and there is linkage on mah profile.

Also thanks for javamomma0921 for convertin this doc for me so I cud finish it. Darn laptop died, and this girl hear saved mah life!

Finally, I'd lyk to thank mah fangirls. Yep, that's rite, YOU! You girlz r the 1s who squee ovr my updates, give awesome feedback in reviews, and stalk, flame and shame any1 who dares to say they dislike my fic. Ty for following VSaFFC (that's the acronym my fic is known as, as I'm a BNA and all BNAs have acronyms for their fics):

Robrator, mpg, Alby Mangroves, jujubakiller, javamomma0921, jeasterl, jesicka309, SuperstarNanna, geenakmom, vivipoo2, tiffaninichole, eli-dunbigboot, 2littleladies, dulcinea21bella, jesicka309, RebeccaMCullen, MadamThang, , Chocolate Lover 82, Fangscape, drumbjo, xx-twilight7-xx, hyperspaz664, jesicka309, LittleMissInnocence, Nicoconsd, Bedazzled1918, lharkcom, ermireallydontcare, jesicka309, edwardsisobel, ArcadianMaggie, SexyLexiCullen, Rochelle Allison, epipole, katinki, ., BellaFlan, babsnorwood, shell29bell, CarrieCee, jesicka309, luckyj525, ajamm, blahblah, chucklesfamily, EternallyCullen, gemini13me, jesicka309, cowgirlamber, Marvar, cullensroc, High-larious, hollyeloise, annetteinoz, maria2906, rameau, jesicka309, eli-dunbigboot, mroth, RangaJess, MissWinkles, KiyaRaven, jesicka309.

I think I got you all. Now you know that I know you're r/ring, and I'll alos noe if u publically flounce. Just a friendly warning. I'LL SET THE OTHERS ON YOU!

Dats all 4 now. Enjoy dah story!

* * *

"Oh, God, no, no! Not the celery! NOOOOOOOO!"

Jessica sat bolt upright in bed, shaking and shivering. Ever since she had dreamt about Edward Cullen as a Dom, she had been plagued by nightmares. Nightmares of being tied to a chair and forced to eat celery.

It had most definitely put Jessica off the idea of BDSM. She had decided that in the future, all her Edwards would be vanilla. That was what she wanted.

Once again, the heroine of this story was Jessica, a beautiful, yet modest, Mary-Sue. Need the author explain her? She will just for laughs.

Jessica was beautiful and sweet, yet a complete contradiction and impossible for men to understand. Alas, if her mind wasn't shielded, as she most definitely knew it was, vampires with mind reading skills would be breaking down her door. Her face was like a dream, perfectly proportioned, with smooth, clear skin and chocolate doe eyes that held her soul. Her breasts were ripe for squeezing, and her waste was small and defined. Her mahogany hair was thick, shiny, and had hints of red in the sunlight.

Fortunately, Jessica herself would disagree with all of those things, making her humble and modest; the perfect Mary-Sue. Those beautiful brown eyes were boring, that smooth clear skin pasty, and those breasts too small! It would be impossible to identify with Jessica if she believed all those wonderful things about herself, so the author must make her modest and allow other characters to comment on her beauty.

Jessica was a self-admitted fan fiction addict, making her a very clear Mary-Sue. Yes, she played TwiFicTrivia every Tuesday night, lamenting at all the h00rs that seemed to steal her titles, and trying her darndest best to win a point. Does anyone have a problem with that? No, this is not a self-insert(much)! The author will be lavishing attention on her perfect character, as in reality, it is just a fictional extension of herself. But who are we to judge? It is just fan fiction, people!

But Jessica's real passion was her journey to find her own personal Edward. So far, she had only come close to the Adonis in her dreams, and even then, he hadn't been perfect. One had impregnated her with a half-vampire-half-human devil baby, while the other had force fed her celery. It was hopeless.

Jessica had worked out the only way to come close to her true Edward; to write him in a fan fiction of her own. But where to start? What kind of fan fiction Edward would suit her best? There were just so many options!

She knew that any story she wrote would have to have the perfect Edward; reviewers couldn't stand any sort of flaw in Edward, and would forgive it instantly anyway.

Puzzled by her impossible conundrum, Jessica lay her pretty little head down on the desk, hoping that once again, her prophetic yet useless to the plotline dreams would come to the rescue…

* * *

"_She take my money when I'm in need_

_Yeah she's a trifling friend indeed_

_Oh she's a gold digger way over town_

_That dig's on me…"_

Jessica opened her eyes to find herself in a large, open field.

"The meadow!" she squealed.

The meadow was the one romantic place in the world where dreams could come true, and romance could magically happen. Even more exciting was the fact that every single Edward had a meadow for thinking, contemplating life and their eternal existence, and taking hot girls like Jessica to bone.

Jessica couldn't understand why she could hear the quiet strains of Jaimy Foxxx and Kanyay Weest, as every Edward had a penchant for classical music, in particular Debussy. There is no way on earth that a real Edward would have this "Golddigger" monstrosity playing. The only music that Edward was allowed to like was Claire de Lune! It was a cannon trait that everyone used, it couldn't possibly be different!

Jessica suddenly looked up and saw Alice, standing eerily in the middle of the field. Her eyes were glazed over, and her face expressionless, as Alice always was when being described as having a vision.

"Omigosh!" Jessica exclaimed. "She's having a vision!"

Alice's eyes came back into focus. "It's time," she said, in the same way she said it in the movie.

Jessica heard a rustling in the trees and turned around. Vampires shouldn't make so much noise! That could only mean one thing….

ALL HUMAN!

"Holy crow!" Jessica exclaimed. While this phrase may sound unusual, Jessica was not allowed to swear. Her clean mouth showed how virginal and perfect she was, as well as reinforcing her innocence. Edward couldn't date a swearing Jessica!

As she said this insipid yet character encapsulating line, an Edward emerged out of the trees. He was dressed immaculately in a business suit, his bronze hair tousled (of course), and his emerald eyes blazing.

Jessica shivered. It was a CEOward! There was nothing better than Edward in a suit…he had to be the youngest CEO in history!

Then another stepped out of the shadows, then another. Before Jessica knew it, there were four CEOwards standing in front of her.

A movement at the corner of her vision distracted her, and she turned to see more people emerging from the trees.

It was another Edward. He was topless, with a myriad of tattoos covering his chest and arms. His ears were pierced, and his torso was heavily muscled.

Jessica gasped. "Tattooward?"

Like a moth to a flame, another five Tattoowards emerged out of the wilderness.

There was more movement in the trees, and Jessica turned to see more and more Edwards appearing out of the trees. Some were heavily built, with large muscular arms. Many of these Edwards were dressed as tradesmen-firemen, lumberjacks, builders. Others were clearly personal trainers, or Armywards. Numerous Highschoolwards lounged around the edge of the field, as did many Douchewards, who were pretending they weren't interested, and Whorewards, who came with their own personal Tanyas in tow. Sportwards were practising their respective sports, keeping their eyes out for interested fan girls.

There were many Artistwards, Musicwards, and Drugwards, dressed in loose slacks and T-shirts. Daddyward, Surferward, even a Gazeboward. There were numerous Professorwards, some wearing glasses, one even wearing a beret!

Then there were the Sinnerwards. In the time Jessica had looked away, their numbers had grown exponentially. Now, Jessica saw hundreds of Edwards in suits standing before her, each with distinct pain in their eyes. Jessica wanted to heal their souls.

There were also combinations. Drugwards with tattoos. Professorwards with sin in their souls. Daddywards who were building gazebos. There was every Edward imaginable. If Jessica could not pick an Edward to love from this entire army, then there was something wrong with her.

A breeze wafted through the meadow, picking up Jessica's hair and fluttering it in her face. The army of Edwards all turned their heads towards Jessica, sniffing in her direction.

Simultaneously, they ran their hands through their tousled bronze hair, and muttered, "Freesias… and strawberries."

Jessica was puzzled, wondering how any human could possibly smell her from that far and be able to detect the only two scents that she ever smelt of.

She decided to approach the nearest, an Edward in an older style suit.

"Excuse me?" she asked timidly, biting her lip as all attractive heroines do, "What kind of Edward are you?"

The Edward pinched the bridge of his nose. "I am Periodward."

Jessica gaped. "What?" Thoughts of menstruation and blood quickly flooded her mind.

He chuckled, smiling the crooked smile that all Edwards smiled. "I come from period stories. In the past. I am almost always centred around 1918, though it can vary within a few decades."

"Oh," Jessica said quietly, not sure what to think. Could it be that an Edward from the past would love and cherish her, the way Bella was in _Twilight_?

Jessica only had one more question to ask, just to be sure. "You… don't have a fuchsia room of pain, do you?"

Images of being force fed celery and left alone in the dark haunted her. It almost made her broken enough to deserve a Sinnerward.

As one, the entire population of 'Wards turned towards her and bellowed, "EVERY EDWARD HAS A FUCHSIA ROOM OF PAIN!"

* * *

Jessica bolted upright in bed, shaking. It couldn't be true. Her subconscious was dredging up images that she was trying so hard to suppress. Images of Edwards of all shapes and sizes, and rooms of pain.

Knowing she needed to go back to sleep, Jessica got up and went to the bathroom, taking four Tylenol, six Xanax, a couple of anti-histamines and a Vitamin C tablet. Didn't you know all fan fiction heroines have a slight prescription drug addiction?

Completely doped up, Jessica went back to bed and passed out almost immediately…

_

* * *

__18 years, 18 years_

_She got one of your kids got you for 18 years_

_I know somebody paying child support for one of his kids_

_His baby mamma's car and crib is bigger than his_

Jessica was in a supermarket, with long aisles ahead of her.

Next to her was Periodward.

"Periodward? What are we doing here?"

He chuckled, ran his hand through his hair, smiled crookedly and pinched the bridge of his nose all at the same time, effectively covering every gesture that all Edwards were capable of.

"We are here to choose you an Edward, my love."

Jessica frowned. "Why can't I have you?"

"I am a very specific Edward. You would have to research the hell out of me and my time to even come close to writing a believable story."

"Oh."

"Also, you wouldn't be able to rely on backslash or lemons to boost your reviews."

Jessica smiled. "I definitely need those."

Periodward gestured down the aisles. "Well, choose an Edward."

As Jessica looked down the aisle, she realized that the only items the store stocked were Edwards… hundreds and hundreds of Edwards, all packaged up in boxes like Barbie dolls.

Jessica came to the first box and shivered. "BDSMward?"

She read the label affixed to the box.

_BDSMWard_

_Background: u__sually a high profile CEO of some kind, BDSMward has a dead parent, quite often his mother. He requires extra attention, as he is overly controlling and will not stand for other men coming into contact with their sub. Resistant at first, he may be tamed by the right kind of woman who does not cave to his will initially._

_Will suit: a__ complete door mat who enjoys being walked all over, anyone who's into the lifestyle of BDSM, anyone who is willing to have the crap beaten out of them in exchange for the promise of love._

_Comes with: p__revious subs (Tanya, Lauren), sexual experience and an entire empire._

_See also: CEOward, Sinnerward_

Jessica stepped back. "No thank you."

Periodward smiled. "Let's try further down the line."

"Oh, look!" Jessica gasped. "It's a Doucheward!"

She stepped closer to examine the label of the man in front of her.

_Doucheward (High S__chool Variety)_

_Background: b__est known for their string of lovers, most Douchewards show their love through their outward "hate." In this special edition "High School Variety," Edward is the school jock, who usually dates the head cheerleader while having sex with other girls in the school. Prone to substance abuse, High School Doucheward will usually have sex with the airheads of the school whilst harbouring a secret love for the nerdy bookworm._

_Will suit: anerdy bookworm, who is willing to go through a lot of crap and emotional heartache in exchange for the redemption of a hot teenage boy._

_Comes with: __ex-girlfriends (most usually Tanya), insults, tears, and the expectation that the owner will "loosen up" after being with High School Doucheward for a period of time._

_See also: Drugward, Sportsward. Sinnerward_

Jessica stepped back and turned to Periodward. "Does every Edward come with a Tanya?"

Periodward chuckled. "Only the sexually experienced ones. I'm sure we have a few virgin varieties up the back. They aren't too popular, really."

Jessica shrugged. "I can see why. I'm totally a virgin, and I need an experienced Edward in my fic to teach me the ropes."

She looked further down the aisle. "What about that one?"

Periodward smiled, crookedly. "Let us journey down the aisle. This is our most popular variety as of late. It's really versatile."

_Professorward_

_Background: t__his standard Edward has been a favourite over the ages. Usually residing at a university campus, Professorward demonstrates his intelligence through his work. He is usually a prodigy of some kind, and along with this comes a stunted emotional intelligence. Professorward is prone to falling in love with students who are quiet yet unassuming. Once that love has taken hold, he can be quite possessive and demanding. He may come across as rude and standoffish until he has made that decision. An extreme romantic, he takes pride in lavishing his love with gifts. Usually comes with sexual experience, Professorward even sometimes comes with a previous family. Professorward usually has a tortured past and may require some nurturing before he can fully trust his love._

_Will suit: a__ patient student who does not mind having to deal with legalities surrounding student/teacher relationships_

_Comes with: i__ntellect, quite often a Tanya or female of similar variety, mother issues._

_See also: Daddyward, Doucheward_

"Mother issues?" Jessica murmured. Looking around the store, she saw a giant red sign hanging in the middle of the store.

"_All Edwards come equipped with four non-plot related characters; Alice, Jasper, Emmett, and Rosalie. Parents not included/guaranteed."_

Jessica nodded in understanding. Most human Edwards had at least one dead parent; it was the crux of all their emotional issues.

Jessica stopped in front of a Tattooward and admired his body art.

_Tattooward_

_Background: w__ildly artistic and always intelligent despite his occupation, Tattooward expresses his guilt and pain through his body art. Has deep rooted parental issues, usually stemming from the death of one, or both of his parents. Has what one would say "a shady pas," but his skill in the bedroom always exceeds this. Tends to be extremely possessive, though will care for his chosen one as though they are a child. May be helped with his issues by the right kind of girl (own issues preferred)._

_Will suit: g__irl with extreme emotional problems who is willing to allow Tattooward to share the load and who isn't adverse to the abuse of prescription medication._

_Comes with: Tanya (plus multiple other ex-hook ups), parent issues, a bad boy attitude._

_See also: Doucheward, Criminalward, Mafiaward. _

Jessica grinned. This was the one! She had to have a Tattooward for her story.

She turned to Periodward. "I'll take one Tattooward, please!"

The moment her lips uttered those words, Tattooward burst out of the casing.

"Mine!" he hissed.

Tattooward shoved Periodward out of the way and embraced Jessica.

"I'll make it all go away," he whispered, and kissed her. Their tongues clashed together, battling for dominance as though they were having a wet, sloppy, sword fight….

* * *

Jessica sat up in bed, with a big grin on her face. That was an incredible dream! She couldn't remember exactly what happened (though somehow the readers were treated to a full, blow by blow account of her dream), but she definitely had some great ideas for her first fan fiction.

An hour or two later, Jessica had come up with the first chapter of her fanfiction. This is the point where the author of this story lost all inspiration and turned to the advice of her readers and their reviews. They won't notice, right?

MY FANFICTION

BY JESSICA

Jessica and Alice had been best friends since they were like, five years old. And Jessica had been in love with Alice's brother, Edward, for just as long.

This is what it was like when they met.

"Hi, Jessica," Edward said, scratching his little five year old head. "How are you on this fine, distinguished day?"

Jessica wondered why Edward was talking like such a grown up. They were only five!

"Not bad, my dear Edward. I would be honoured if you would join me in the sandbox."

And that was what happened when they met.

The problem was that they were now in high school, and Edward was like the biggest jock and the most popular guy in school. And Jessica was the biggest nerd, who would possibly want her?

Alice surprised Jessica by jumping out from behind a corner.

"Oh My Edward! (OME) Alice, you scared me!"

Alice was unfazed by this exclamation of her brother's name. "Edward wants to see you."

"Oh." Jessica tried to play it cool, and skipped off to find him.

She eventually found Edward, waiting in the janitor's closet.

"Oh, Jessica. I've always wanted you. Let's have sex, right here in the closet."

"But, Edward, we're at school!"

He chuckled. "Every high school fan fiction has a closet sex session. How else would they ever meet up?"

Jessica shrugged, disregarding the fact that Edward had always ignored her and that this was highly out of character behaviour.

They started making out, then Edward pulled down his pants, and Jessica proceeded to give him the best blow job she could, despite the fact that it was her first time.

"Wow," Edward groaned. "Where did you learn this shit?"

Jessica had no idea what he meant. As the heroine of the story, she was automatically obliged to be naturally good at sex, despite her inexperience.

She just kept on sucking and licking, doing whatever she could to get him to go.

Finally, he came. Jessica could tell, because he groaned and grabbed her hair.

His jizz was like a flavor explosion in her mouth. Strawberry, apple, lemon, blackcurrant, orange, all the flavors of the rainbow! It wouldn't be wrong to liken it to Skittles.

Jessica wiped her mouth, eagerly licking her lips and fingers. What delicious cum! She didn't think that it would taste so good, but considering it was Edward's, it HAD to taste better than the average man's.

Edward pulled Jessica to him and yanked her skirt up.

"I'm not finished with you yet!"

Jessica squealed. "But you just went! How is that anatomically possible?"

Edward pressed his fingers into her dripping pussy. "For you, I am always hard, baby."

Jessica was flattered by his obvious arousal by her, and distracted by Edward's ministrations on her lady parts. She decided to go with it. After all, Edward Cullen was the hottest guy in school. She should disregard his man whore reputation and make the most of the opportunity she had right now. I mean, this was probably going to be the only lemon for a while, as this encounter would probably end in a whole heap of angst, drugs, and miscommunication that would last for multiple chapters.

After a little bit of foreplay, which wasn't really necessary because Jessica was so damn hot for Edward, he pushed inside her.

"Holy monster cock of hell!" she cried out, feeling him fill her all the way up.

Edward groaned. "I love it when you talk dirty."

He pounded her incessantly, bringing her to orgasm again and again. At one point, Jessica couldn't help but notice that the time had been flying by. Had they really been in there for two hours?

"Come for me, love," he said, and Jessica did as she was told.

When he was finished, they hurriedly put on their clothes, disregarding the dripping skittle juice leaking out of Jessica.

Edward snuck out of the closet first, then Jessica. Once outside, Jessica realized that Edward had left her again.

At lunch, sitting with Alice and Angela (her only two best friends. Go figure.) Jessica kept an eye out for Edward. When he came into the lunch room, she waved him over.

He glared at Jessica with his beautiful emerald green eyes. "Did you want something?"

Jessica gasped. They had been having sex a little over ten minutes ago? How could he be so cold, so callous?

That's when Tanya joined Edward, wrapping her whore-like arms around him. Edward had a girlfriend. He didn't want Jessica.

The pair walked away, laughing. Jessica instantly felt depressed. She knew that over the next couple of weeks, she would stop eating, lose a ridiculous amount of weight, become shut off from the world, become even more addicted to prescription drugs, and throw herself in her studies. Edward would eventually notice her anguish, realize his mistakes and come back to her, right? Even though it was just high school, and they had many, many years for their relationship to fall apart, Jessica knew they were soul mates.

The only reaction Jessica would get from Edward was if Jacob or a male of similar yet undesirable quality even showed the barest hint of interest in Jessica. Then, they would get bashed by Edward, who did not want to share Jessica with anyone, despite his reluctance to have her himself.

It was the start of a torturously angsty and pointless high school fan fiction.

* * *

Jessica quickly uploaded this chapter to the fanfiction net website, quickly typing a summary that claimed "I suk at summeries, itz gud I swear. Review plz!" For the next few days, she waited anxiously for reviews, but none ever came…. It seemed like a tragic ending for our heroine Jessica, and the author will possibly drag this out further…

JessicaLeia ended up taking down her fanfiction about Twilightherfavoritebook not long after she met JacobLuke. He was the sun to her… sky? He made JessicaLeia feel special despite the lack of an EdwardHan in her life, and JessicaLeia had to make do with second best.

JessicaLeia lived a long and less than fulfilling life with JacobLuke, always dreaming of an EdwardHan.

* * *

Well, that's the end everyone! I'm sorry to have to announce that I am leaving the fandom. Sure, I will still most likely be writing several epilogues, a few outtakes, and an EPOV for Fandom For Floods, but really, I'm leaving.

The reason makes me sad. Aside from people translating my work without my authorization (some chick wanted to translate it into "proper English" wtf), I will be pulling down my work. Because I'm getting published.

Don't you dare mock me! I never said I wouldn't pull to publish (don't scroll up) and I really hope you will all purchase my book "Spacelight" about Leia, Luke and Han. I'm doing you all a favour by leaving this up here for people to read now, and posting epilogues. So be grateful. And buy my book.

Also, leave me lots of reviews, and don't you dare say mean things about me on twitter. I'll set my minions on you.

Thanks for reading duckies! Jess x


	4. EPOV Outtake Chapter 3

EPOV OUTTAKE FOR Fandom Fights the Floods.

I can finally post this for the wider communities consumption...so I am going to. Thanks to all the usuals, in particular xrxdanixrx who went to the enormous effort of editing out a gazillion 'fucks'. Some still slipped through though. Oops!

* * *

Okay goosies, I'm back! I know I said that I was leaving the fandom, but this project was just too good a cause to give up! I'm an Australian you see, so I felt like I should support my fellow countrymen and women. Despite my lack of inspiration, and the story beginning to near its expiry date (cue fluffy nonsense), I am doing this anyway. Because I am awesome.

To all my minions: you know who you are. You are doing a great job. I flove you. Please keep flaming and harassing anyone who dares to flounce or publically denounce my story. I'm showering you with virtual, condescending love right now.

This is a series of outtakes from my story, Vague Summaries and Fan Fiction Cliches. They will all be in EPOV, as we really haven't seen Edward's side of the story. This particular one is from Chapter 3.

Enjoy! (no flamez)

* * *

Defiling an Angel

I watched her walk into the school, obsessively scrutinizing the way she moved. Her beautiful, long, flowing tresses. Her deep chocolate, soulful eyes. Her beautiful swollen breasts. She was the one. I had to fucking have her.

My name is Edward, and I am the resident jock at my school. I am fucking good looking, with tousled bronze hair (not red), and blazing green fucking eyes. I went to the crappiest school in the crappiest place on Earth; Forks. Sure, my adopted parents were fucking ridiculously rich, but my fucking life still sucked. It was a hard fucking life, being the quarterback for the Forks Football team, playing piano at a concert pianist skill level, and having girls throwing themselves at me. I fucking hated it.

Usually, the only way I could escape my mundane fucking existence was to smoke a lot of pot. I fucking know I'll never get busted for it, and there is always someone around named James to deal it to me. Without the pot, I am a fucking nervous wreck, so it's lucky I'm able to puff away between classes, after classes, while I'm driving and operating heavy machinery, and any other time I felt like I needed to fucking chill. Otherwise I don't know what I would fucking do. I was a fucking mess.

I guess I did have some good fucking things in my life. Emmett and Jasper were my usual sidekicks, my teammates at football, and I was always hanging out with them and their fucking girlfriends. Not fucking weird at all, considering Jasper's girlfriend is my sister Alice.

Then there is _her_. Ever since I was a tiny little kid, I was in love with her. Don't try and fucking tell me I couldn't be in love with her from that young, because I fucking _was_.

She was Alice's best friend, and she was beautiful. We used to play together as kids, but eventually we all grew apart. She and Alice would go shopping and read books, while I would be out playing football and having sex with the dirty fucking sluts at the school. We led totally different lives, but I still fucking wanted her.

Jessica. Even thinking her name made my cock fucking stiffen. She was the sun to my sky, the rainbow to my rain, the icing on my cake and whole heap of douchey unteenagerlike metaphors. She was sex on legs, she was gorgeous, but I couldn't tell her how I felt.

Jessica wasn't interested in me. She walked around the school with her head in books. She was so innocent and pure that she didn't notice the lustful gaze of other boys. Even the teachers wanted to bone her, but she paid them no attention. It made me think that I had a chance.

Jessica didn't like me because I was a bit of a fucking man whore. I slept with many girls. In fact, I usually had a different skank to have sex with in between each fucking lesson. Hell, who was I fucking kidding? I didn't go to fucking class! I had sex and smoked pot! I buttered up Ms Cope to get her to give me good grades, but aside from that, I didn't do a damn fucking thing at school.

I could tell Jessica didn't approve of my behavior. I didn't blame her. I didn't deserve her love. After all the horrible things I had done with my life, I deserved to be burnt at the stake. Or have my balls chopped off and made into sushi. I was a fucking mess, and I didn't blame Jessica for wanting nothing to do with me.

She was walking into school, and I was trying to hide the biggest fucking boner of my life. She had no idea how fucking sexy she was. Wearing those fucking sexy pink Jimmy Choo heels and pink plaid Dolce and Gabbana skirt, her legs looked they were a million fucking miles long. Her Prada tank top made her tits look fucking enormous. I knew it was weird for a teenager like me to know what fucking brands she was wearing, but fuck, I was rich. I knew everything

I couldn't stand back any longer. All those fucking douches were eye fucking her. My Jessica. My reason for existence. So far I had held my feelings inside, to protect her from the broken, tortured soul that I was, but it was time to stake my fucking claim. Jessica was mine, and I was going to fucking prove it. Fuck.

I grabbed Alice as she walked past, and asked her to tell Jessica to meet me in the janitor's closet. Alice was always there to help me with my relationship problems. It was fucking weird for a sister to do, but it helped me get laid. I wasn't fucking complaining.

I waited in the closet. Once Jessica knew the true extent of my feeling, she would probably fucking run away. I was a fucking monster for wanting to fucking defile her fucking body.

The door opened, and Jessica slipped in. She was so fucking perfect. I was prepared to overlook every self-insert flaw that she had to even spend one fucking day with her.

Then she looked at me with those fucking huge fucking brown-as-dirt-on-a-field eyes. It was like looking into her soul (though mentally I berated myself for thinking like a fucking douche).

My eyes couldn't help but rake over her fucking perfect body. Those perfect fucking tits. That perfect fucking ass. I could just imagine myself ramming her from behind….

"_NO!"_ my mind roared. I couldn't fucking defile her that fucking way. I couldn't ever let Jessica know the full extent of my feelings. She would fucking run away and leave me forever.

Then Jessica fucking bit her lip. HER FUCKING LIP. That was my fucking undoing. She was just too damn sexy. I couldn't hide my true nature any longer.

"Oh, Jessica. I've always wanted you. Let's have sex, right here in the closet." I had to tell her how I fucking felt.

"But, Edward, we're at school!" Her words cut into me like fucking ice. She was right. I was a fucking failure. But I couldn't give up.

I tried to fucking laugh it off. "Every high school fan fiction has a closet sex session. How else would we ever meet up?"

I grabbed her and pulled her close to me, shoving my tongue down her fucking throat. All the whores at this school fucking loved that, and I was anything but inexperienced. Yes, you may fucking think it would be fucking weird for a teenager to have much experience at fucking fucking, but a guy as hot as me couldn't help but have girls fucking throw themselves fucking at him.

I pushed her onto her knees, and whipped out my monster cock. Yeah, I knew it was fucking huge. All the skanks told me so. Jessica's eyes widened, and for a moment, I felt fucking bad for what I was about to do to her.

Jessica pushed her mouth on top of my cock. It was like fucking heaven. Her mouth was like velvet, and she sucked me off like a fucking porn star. I groaned, twisted my fingers in her fucking luscious hair. It was so fucking wrong, but it was so fucking right at the same time.

I pumped in and out of her mouth faster, enjoying the fucking sensation. I was so close.

"Wow," I said, "Where did you learn this shit?"

I really wanted to know. If Jessica had been fucked by any other fucking boys I would fucking kill them. Jessica was fucking mine.

I could feel myself building closer and fucking closer to my climax. I didn't want to defile her fucking mouth like that, but I knew that I couldn't help myself. She was so fucking hot and her lips felt so fucking soft against my cock.

I looked into her eyes, looking into her soul. She stared up at me. With her mouth lovingly wrapped around my cock, she looked like a fucking angel. The deep look in her eyes pushed me over the edge.

I shot my load into her mouth, groaning in ecstasy. She closed her eyes, swallowing my skittle juice like a motherfucking champ. She was perfect. I was in fucking love with her. I grabbed her hair, pulling her deeper. I couldn't wait to fuck her properly.

Jessica's lips popped as my monster cock slipped out of her mouth. She licked her fucking soft lips, moaning, and licking her fingers. She loved the taste of my cum, and the alone was enough to fucking make me hard again. This wasn't unusual. I was a fucking machine! I didn't need time to recover!

Her eyes widened as she took in my hardness. I pulled her to me, and yanked up her tiny little skirt. Seriously, who wears shit like that to school? Did Jessica really _want_ to be fucked in a closet? On other girls, short fucking skirts made them look like whores, but on Jessica, it was perfect. It made me want her more. My cock wept at the sight of her perfect ass, tears of pure, semen joy.

"I'm not finished with you yet," I growled. Jessica had this fire in her eyes; it was fucking beautiful.

She squealed with delight. Trust my fucking angel to want more.

"But you just went! How is that anatomically possible?"

I pressed my fingers into her dripping pussy. "For you, I am always hard, baby."

In my movements, I tried to really prove how much I loved her. Every swirl of my finger, every dip and flick was designed to show her how much I fucking loved her.

Kissing her and using my finger to bring her right to the edge within seconds (because I am fucking talented like that) the dripping wetness told me that she was ready. I was going to fuck her so hard…

I slammed my peen into her, until I was balls deep in her delicious cavern. She was so fucking wet, and warm. It was like fucking a warm, apple pie.

She cried out. "Holy monster cock of hell!"

I was fucking flattered. She could feel it too, the connection that we shared as our souls came together in our fucking sexual union.

I groaned. "I love it when you talk dirty."

I kept pounding her for what felt like fucking hours. I just couldn't get enough of her sweet, sweet fucking. She was so ready, so willing. It was all I had ever dreamed about since I had first fucking met her when she was five.

She came to her sweet release, again, and again.

"Come for me, love," I groaned, enjoying the deliciously tight feeling of her around my cock. It was fucking beautiful. Her fucking orgasm spurred me on to release, and I blew my load all up in her love cave. It was fucking magical.

I realized the time, and I think Jessica must have as well, because we both hurriedly put on our clothes. We were fucking late.

I noticed a drizzle of man juice dripping down her leg, and the thought of it made me smile. My fucking Jessica was a dirty, dirty girl. My cock stiffened again. Jessica made me such a horny motherfucker.

We snuck out of the closet, and rushed off to our respective classes.

I went to class, talked shit to the teacher, and charmed my way out of it. I was a fucking legend. Then I smoked a fucking cigarette outside, to calm my fucking nerves.

The reality of what I had just done finally set in. I had finally fucked Jessica, the one and only reason for my existence since I was a little kid. I had finally gotten that hot ass on my cock. It was everything I had ever wanted…

And yet, I had fucking defiled her. My spunk had been leaking out of her, evidence of the fucking crime I had committed…to her soul. She had been fucking innocent, and I had fucking destroyed that with one foul sweep of my monster cock. I was the monster.

I had to keep away from her for her own fucking good. It was clear I had no fucking self control. One day it would be fucking her in the janitor's closet, the next it would be taking her from behind while a milk pump drains her breasts, with her mooing in satisfaction.

I groaned. The thought was making me so fucking horny. '_This is why you can't be around her, Cullen_,' I oddly thought in third person, _'You would fucking ruin her._'

I resolved to stay away from her. To protect her from my fucking dirty teenage mind. She was an angel, and I couldn't fucking do that to her any more. She was safer without me.

Tugging on my hair, pinching the bridge of my nose and taking a deep breath, I abandoned every clichéd coping mechanism, and entered the school. I couldn't fucking overanalyze our relationship forever.

A dirty whore ran up to me and latched herself onto my arm. There were just too many fucking whores in a school that was so fucking small. Seriously, was being a whore a fucking subject or something?

I looked and realized it was Tanya. My mind automatically did an inventory.

-Dumb as dog shit

- Hot as hell

-Pussy so loose that sex with her is often described as "throwing a hotdog down a hallway"

Yep, that was fucking Tanya. My first instinct was repulsion – I wanted to get as far away from her as possible. Then I was hit by a stroke of fucking genius. If I denied my natural desire to get away from such slutty filth, I could use Tanya to keep Jessica away. Jessica HAD to know that I had fucking slept with Tanya before, and half the girls in the fucking school. Surely seeing Tanya with me would make Jessica stay away. It was for her own fucking good. Sure, I'd bang Tanya six ways till Sunday, but Jessica was a goddess that deserved to be worshipped.

I shrugged Tanya off.

"Fucking whore. Do you want to have lunch with me?" She loved that kind of talk; it made her feel like a whore.

Tanya licked her lips wantonly and pushed her slutty tits together. "Of course, you sexy beast."

She was such a whore, but she was perfect for my needs. She was great for alleviating my underlying sexual tension that I felt for Jessica, and she was great for fucking making Jessica see that I could never be with her, because I couldn't treat her like a whore. Tanya, on the other hand, was a fucking useless secondary character used to make the leading lady fucking jealous. She didn't have a fucking soul like Jessica.

I sauntered into the lunch room, looking for Jessica. She was sitting with Alice and Angela, with a tiny smile on her face. It broke my heart, knowing what I was about to fucking do to her, but I had to. I had to fucking save her from myself.

Alice frowned at me. Clearly she knew what I was about to fucking do. For a character that was completely human, Alice had a fucking weird amount of supernatural quirks.

I disregarded her. Fucking pixie.

Jessica beautiful poo brown eyes caught my gaze, and she waved me over. Of course. She wants me. I couldn't let her torture herself any longer. If she thought I hated her, then she would stay away. She fucking had to.

I put on the most douchy, yet sexy voice I could. "Did you want something?"

Jessica gasped. I was afraid she would see through my fucking façade. Surely she could see the love radiating from my fucking eyes? It was a fucking canon trait, right?

Tanya's slimy, tainted arm wrapped around me and I tried to hide my fucking disgust. Filthy whore. With that simple gesture, the damage was fucking done.

Jessica's face dropped. Her whole face crumpled, and her eyes had dropped to the ground. I wanted nothing more than to fucking run to her and beg her forgiveness, promise to be her slave forever, and even offer to let her be the cow poke in our relationship.

But something inside myself (perhaps it was that ever present monster) screamed at me to fucking let her go. I didn't deserve something so fragile and innocent, even if she was a fucking hot fuck. I deserved diseased riddled women like Tanya, not angels like Jessica.

I turned away, unable to see the fucking pain on Jessica's face anymore. Pain that I had fucking put there. I was a fucking angel fallen from heave. I was the devil and hell. I was fucking worthless. But still fucking hot.

Tanya whispered in my ear about how stupid Jessica looked, and I laughed bitterly along with her. This was my life now. A fucking miserable life of being fabulously rich, banging hot (but dirty) chicks, and being good at all sports and academia. My life was in fucking ruins, but it was for my own fucking good. And hers. Always hers.

I smoked weed behind the gym for the rest of fucking lunch, before deciding on a whim to go to fucking Biology. In truth, all I really wanted was to check on Jessica…make sure she was fucking okay…that I hadn't broken her. It was a fucking hypocritical thing to do, but I couldn't help it. I fucking loved her.

I could see Jacob fucking Black eye fucking Jessica as she walked down the hall with Alice. Jacob Black. Fucking scourge of my life. I'm sure he was a nice guy, but for some reason the guy fucking annoyed me. Maybe he was too nice? Maybe the author just blindly wants me to hate him? Regardless, he was eye fucking my woman. Running up to him, I fucking punched his brains out. How dare he even look at my Jessica? How dare he even imagine having her as his cow slave? SHE WAS MINE.

I punched his face over and over. No one was going to stop me. I was Edward FUCKING Cullen! Except…

"Dude! What the hell do you think you're doing?" I felt the strong, muscular hands of my best friend Emmett drag me off Jacob.

I shrugged him off. "Fuck off, Emmett. I'm beating this douchebag's head to a pulp."

He rolled his eyes. "I know he's a douche, but that's not a good enough reason."

"Fucking hell! Fine! He was looking at Jessica."

His jaw dropped. "Fuck! I know she's hot and all, but DUDE. She's not yours! You made that pretty clear at lunch."

I wiped Black's blood on the back of my jeans. "So?"

He shoved my shoulder. "So? You can't go parading skanks around her, then act all possessive. That shit is wrong."

I coughed. "Emmett, we exist in the biggest bumfuck hole in the universe, in a complete idiot's fan fiction world. I love Jessica, and I want to keep her safe from douches like this slime here. Why bring reality into this?"

"You're right, bro. You always are. That logic makes complete sense. Keep fucking with her. That'll totally make Jessica want you."

I fist bumped him. He was totally fucking right. I had to fucking protect Jessica. I didn't go through that completely douchy and out of teenage character internal debate for nothing! What teenager fucking worries about his girl's soul? A fucking douche, that's who. Douche.

I spent the next few weeks moping around the school, ignoring everyone. I took harder drugs and alcohol, and my usual perfect grades began to fucking slide. Even Tanya's dirty lips wrapped around my cock weren't enough to lift my spirits. I fucking missed Jessica.

She also missed me. I could fucking tell. She lost about 30 pounds, had dark circles under her eyes, and was quite often seen crying at lunchtime. I was also pretty sure she was abusing drugs and self-harming.

It was a turning point in the fucking fan fiction. I would either cave and go back to her, succumbing to my fucking carnal desires, and ploughing her brains out, while feeling guilty about destroying her innocence and her soul. I would probably come to some sort of resolution after saving her from some sadistic rapist (James perhaps?) that it was safer for us to be together than apart. The other alternative was that we stayed apart for ten years, each marrying another fucking person. When we finally meet again at Alice's fucking baby shower or some shit like that, we would hook up, and finally journey towards our happy ending, both resolved knowing there is no better out there.

Both alternatives sounded fucking crap to me, but there never were any other options. It was only a matter of time before I needed to fuck my angel again.

She was perfect.

* * *

Thank you to all those who donated to this wonderful cause. Our own government is too tight to fund all the repairs themselves, and are even increasing taxes, so the support of all my minions is greatly appreciated. My high horse won't build itself, you know!

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